Change is Within You

And Sunday Evening Retrospect

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Would it be too much to ask? Ask whether the so called 'weekend' was what you wanted. What you signed up for. To ask a question dripping with meaning – why? Why did I do what I did? Why didn't I do what I thought I'd do? Why did I spend time with ____ and not with _____?

Purpose, Intention, Meaning .. when missing, dumb us down. We become extensions of someone else, or of an agenda we didn't create. We live 'as if.' And we suffer for the lack of true involvement with our own decisions, our purpose.

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Marriage as Adventure

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thoughts on an overcast day

  • If I chose you and now know more about you than when I made that choice, is my uncertainty about my wisdom or about you?
  • Nature brings to Southern California an 'inversion layer' - warm air pressing down the cooler air which wants to rise. Today that means we enjoy an overcast sky. Does the cooling oceanic liquidity of emotion manifest in your marriage or does the dryness of desert winds suppress and dampen the spirit of your lives together?
  • All that I learned about relationship as I grew up is a legitimate subject for careful scrutiny. Add a comment

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Listening: who do you want to influence?

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Marriage and relationship complaints about partners not listening are offered by those who themselves often don't listen.

A husband and father I know complains of his teenage children: "they just don't listen! How do you get your children to listen?"

A second kind of listening is more often found in business but it's there everyday in marriage as well. We call it 'listening with the intention of influencing.' This kind of listening attends to the values and beliefs, the life story, the current challenges of the one speaking. These then are carefully folded into your response so that you increase your effectiveness in leading the conversation where you want it to go.
In order to influence another person you first have to know 'where they live.' Not their street address of course, I'm talking about their inner world.

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Listening: the Giver and the Receiver – Information based Listening

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The brilliant web designer and graphic artist, Dan Grant (iDigDesign.com) read my last piece (Marriage is about Love, but..) on competent listening and shot me an email. "Stephen, I like your breaking down listening to three skill sets, but you should give us more. How about an article on each one?"

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Marriage is about love - But...

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"All you need is love... da, da da-da, da-da, da" so goes the lovely John Lennon mantra, and he's right. And also missing something. I have known many people who actually love other people but their fear or their insecurity or their past wounds and losses - get in their way. The person loved often doesn't experience this love as loving.

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Relationship Books

Maximize Your Marriage

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    From Marginal to Magnificent

    Marriage Re-Imagined
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    With These Rings

    Turn arguments into intimacy 
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