Marriage: What's Up Doc?

We have a teenage daughter who is delightful, energetic and responsible. That is, she responds to a voice within her that listens to a beat I can't quite hear. I have my own (inner) voices and although I am not quite schizophrenic yet, I do hear voices from my Swiss past that create dissonance with this good daughter as we talk about chores, friendships, social media and homework. We define certain words differently - clean room is one, bedtime another. These words convey certain values and carry meaning that without a strenuous family seminar on their proper usage, we are left believing we actually understood each other when in fact I was talking space alien and she was talking street.

Communication in marriage is often misunderstood. Psychologists are pretty good at thinking they understand what it takes to communicate effectively. Often they do not - especially when communicating with their own teenage children who often resent their smug formulas and their unbreakable confidence in their skills. Teenagers do not buy that the communication challenge is theirs, and theirs alone.

Deborah Tannen in her good little book, "You Just Don't Understand" tells of the difference between men and women and she could have added parents and teenagers.  She says this: "men way overestimate the power of their words (or their effect, I can't remember which though either will serve us here) on women; women way underestimate the power of their words on men." Do you think this might be true of teenagers and parents as well, with parents fitting the men part of the above observation and teenagers fitting both?

The power of healthy, focused, effective communication can’t be ignored. So here’s a couple of tips that will improve your skills and warm up your relationship.

• Good communication starts with your ears. I like the old railroad crossing sign that reminded me to Stop! Look! and Listen! before crossing the tracks.
• A good communicator is not necessarily an eloquent communicator. Good communication is simple, clear, and direct.
• Good communicators pay attention to the relationship domain they are in – is this roommate stuff? Or, are we talking about our inner worlds? Is my partner inviting me into a closer connection or is he merely trying to convey information.
• Pay attention to personal dramas. They often intercept communication and derail it.
• Ask yourself: how invested am I in whatever it is my partner is wanting to share? Give it a moments thought, notice your own interest. This little exercise will create a sense of trust as you ‘show up’ in the conversation in an authentic way.

 Stephen W. Frueh PhD is a coach, consultant, writer and speaker. He can be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 805 338 4286

“Healthy marriages make the world a safer place for children.”

This article may be reproduced with my full permission, at will. All I ask is that you credit the source- me.

Safety In Marriage

In order for a marriage to function as a healthy marriage there is a big need for safety. We call good marriages 'learning communities' because healthy marriages make each partner (and all the children) smarter. Dysfunctional marriages (we call them 'marginal') tend to make the partners crazier or perhaps dumber.

There is a need for safety. We must be certain there will be no violence obviously, but other forms of safety are critical as well. We need to be safe from the possibility of shaming, blaming, diagnostics ('what's wrong with you') and exit strategies. We need to know that the garden of our feelings, thoughts and images will be safe from intrusion, will be respectfully received and honored for the truth (our own truth) we bring.

Good communication only happens in a safe environment which is why corporate leadership often doesn't get the kind of information it needs - employees not feeling safe to communicate their observations, experience or ideas in an environment where leadership is unresponsive, threatening, or preoccupied with bottom line considerations.

I recently learned this: the Los Angeles Unified School District has many schools in which the fire safety systems have been incapacitated. The systems that were installed to protect our children are inoperative because of budgetary considerations. How did that happen? So we have thousands of children and teachers who are in an environment devoid of an early warning system. They are at risk and school officials, politicians, and even parents seem to be oblivious.

How can one learn if one is not safe to learn? This appalling reality may exist because we assume that no one knows the reality. But a sense of safety or the lack of it is built into our awareness. We might not know the facts but we can feel the threat. Within marriage we don't necessarily have to feel physically threatened to be afraid of the consequences our telling the truth might provoke.

Here's your takeaway. Perhaps in L.A. community leaders can through the process of personal denial think an inoperative fire warning system doesn't matter so much. Perhaps in marriage you think that your critical attitude, your habit of diagnosing your partner, your frequent theorizing about their intentions - has no effect on them. Perhaps you think 'they' are 'the' problem in the lack of connection you both experience. But the very lack of safety determines the quality of connection you both lack.

Safety can be created though a thoughtful and reflective conversation and it is in your best interests to do so.  In L.A. if the powers in charge don't soon wake up to the fact of their careless disregard for the safety of our most vulnerable citizens I'm afraid our schools will never achieve the kind of learning environment they deserve.

Stephen W. Frueh PhD is a coach, consultant, writer and speaker. He can be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 805 338 4286

“Healthy marriages make the world a safer place for children.”

This article may be reproduced with my full permission, at will. All I ask is that you credit the source- me.

A Man's Wedding

I walked briskly up the curved driveway of a beautiful Southern California home. Not a mansion, not a tract either. I rang the doorbell of a male friend, Frank, that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years, that is, since I was best man at his wedding.

Our individual lives had become busy with our goal driven fever of early retirement and neither of us paid attention to the fading of our friendship. But now, after my call, we both sounded delighted to be seeing each other again.

He opened the door with a big and tender smile and we warmly embraced, said the usual things and I walked into his spacious living room escorted by his new wife, a beautiful woman in her mid thirties. I looked around.

“Where’s Frank?” I said. They both stared at me like I was loony. I mean, I stammered, “where’s that beautiful print of the farmer milking cows, and the couch, that rugged leather red adorably comfortable room maker. What happened to it?”

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Shame On You

The May 30, 2011 cover of Time Magazine had this headline “Sex, Lies, Arrogance: What Makes Powerful Men Act like Pigs?”

This title neatly catches an old worn out paradigm – a Puritan thought police kind of thing- that reflects attitudes of shaming, blaming, self righteousness and judgment.

Here’s how it works. The fear of male promiscuousness predates the science of birth control. It lives in another era where the passion of men is seen as dangerous to family and community and so must be tamed. Tamed by shame and superiority.

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